Christopher de Cinque
We have coalesced before you on this earthly plane to chew bubblegum and kick ass. We aren't out of bubblegum either... We've put measures in place to ensure we have a steady supply, ready for chewing as soon as the flavor of the pieces in our mouths has depleted. Now, considering our tireless jaws burn through packets faster than you can say 'butt menagerie', you might be thinking "these fools can't maintain that level of consumption, purchasing their gum at the recommended retail price!? I've done the math and even if they were purchasing that cheap crap imported from Bangladesh, the stuff that's 15% bonemeal, they'd be broke and bubbleless in a matter of weeks, what gives!?"... To this we say: ARE YOU PAYING FUCKING ATTENTION?? DID YOU NOT READ THE PART ABOVE ABOUT THE MEASURES WE'VE PUT IN PLACE??? Allow us to elaborate... After some intense negotiations, we came to an agreement with the Abbott government, the jargon-free gist of this agreement being all our gum purchases are heavily subsidized so long as we place subliminal messages in all future recordings. These messages are designed to encourage impressionable young listeners to vote for the Australian Liberal Party, whilst maintaining the facade that the band is a bastion for progressive, leftist thinking, promoting weekend shamanism, fashion conscious activism and various other new age, masturbatory endeavors. This agreement has come to be known as 'Operation Bug-Zapper' to the various corporate cabals and shadow organizations that dictate how us plebs live our lives.
We hear you asking another question... "If what yous guyses is saying is trueses... Why the hell would you share this information in a public forum such as your own website!?". Oh you sweet, naive cob of corn... WHO THE FUCK READS A BAND'S MISSION STATEMENT ON THEIR WEBSITE?!? There's no one here except for you and the other out of touch droogs, clinging to the vestiges of what a band's online presence was circa 2002. Expect an unmarked van rocking up to your location shortly to whisk you away for what you now know... Quick, say goodbye to the loved ones in your immediate vicinity! Didn't you get the fax? It's all about social media now... If you don't have a Facebook profile for your local business/company/brand/band/cause, well, quite simply, it DON'T EXIST. If it isn't trending up and down the twittersphere it's not worth mentioning. We must rejoice in the Orwellian uniformity of a standardized profile from which we can express ourselves and display our personality in an abbreviated, neatly segmented format. Don't you feel like you'll fucking vomit if you see another profile header that reads something like "Dipshit Mc Derp | 24 | Meerkats | Aspiring Breatharian | Cum-swapping"? If the answer is yes then join us in our quest for subversive dominion over this big ole brown planet.
We are here to combat the insidious narcissism that is slowly but surely pervading our collective subconscious, here to crop-dust apathy with the sexy flavor of the all new Diet Agent Orange™. We are here to compel you to dance your ass off in a trance of bliss, all the while morphing your reality tunnel in such a way that your perspective just might change on some shit... Nothing is true, everything is permitted. We are here to stand tall, ugly around the edges, take up arms and MELT. EVERY. FUCKING. FACE. OFF... (The good kind of metaphorical, aurally induced melting, not the horrible, body disposing, acidic kind.)